Can I tell you how happy I am to see this support group? I’ve played with the idea of moderation in the past and even found this site, but there was nothing in my area for support. Simply reading what I should do has never been enough and I’m not yet in agreement with abstinence. I do realize that I may choose abstinence at some point down the road, but I’d like to be okay with it when I do.
So today is the day after a fuck up. My stomach is doing flip flops and I’m ashamed that I let it get out of control yet again. I’ve been a binge drinker for over 16 years now. It wasn’t until the last couple years that I started to want my life back. I tried SOS twice, but I never stick with it. In the end, sitting around a circle every week for the rest of my life just doesn’t work for me. I do believe I can manage it and if I realize that it’s too much of a burden to handle, I want to have the coping skills in place to be able to handle it. I never felt I received that from the group. They were very much one way…abstinence only and you’ll never be cured and you have to do this for the rest of your life. I can’t get on board with that.
I did follow SMART recovery for awhile in addition to SOS and I found that path much more helpful. I loved how they focus on the psychology behind the drinking and teach ways to handle it. Even though I am working on moderation, I would still like to utilize their techniques.
So I’ve tried abstinence twice. The first time I made it four months and the second time I made it five. There were benefits and disadvantages…that is something they teach at SMART…to look at why you’re drinking. List the advantages and disadvantages and start to see the disadvantages outweigh the good. Both times, by the 2nd month I was miserable and convinced I could do it on my own. I do okay for a few months with moderating, but the second, and I mean the second, I give myself a little leeway, it all goes downhill. It’s been going downhill for about a month now and I’m ready to stop it.
So while I’m not happy with myself, I do recognize that I am stopping the trend sooner than before, I do have a voice inside my head that questions why I need to pick up the drink in the first place and that it’s not as fun as the urge is telling me (I need to strengthen this voice), and i am naturally utilizing a couple tools that I have learned from my previous abstinence periods. So this is good! Things suck, but there is improvement.
I’m not committed to a 30 day yet and I’m okay with that….but I am committing to a 14 day starting now. This does mean that I’ll have to say no to drinking on Easter and at a convention I’m attending…that’s a bummer, but I can do it. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
In the next few entries, I want to address my psychological dependence and ways to break it, what I’ve learned from my past mistakes, and my commitment moving forward. I look forward to getting to know some of you and following your posts as well.