Today marks one month of moderating/monitoring my drinking habits. It’s bittersweet, being that I woke up today with a slight hangover. Hubby and I celebrated one year in our house last night with a bottle of champagne. I carefully measured out my three servings, even had a little less than that, but we finished the bottle in less than 3 hours and I didn’t hydrate much. Guessing thats where this slight hangover comes in. However, I could have easily drank that bottle in one hour, draining my glass quickly so that I could drink more of the bottle, and then moved on to beer or wine. I didn’t do those things. Small victories.
Overall, I’ve been successful this month. I have logged 22 abstinence days and have not gone over 4 drinks on any one occasion. I’ve had no regretful mornings or unproductive, hungover days. I’ve had, most importantly, no black or brownouts. I’m showing myself and my husband that I am truly remorseful for mistakes I’ve made while drinking by taking ACTION, not just saying the words I’m sorry. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m exercising. I’m journaling and trying new activities.
The devastating event that got me here-as detailed in my earlier blog- seems far away now. When I think about it (which is often) it seems like I’m watching a movie of someone other than myself. I have no emotional attachment to the event. However, when I think about it in terms of who I hurt, what has changed, what I have done that I cannot undo…I’m still wracked with guilt and shame and pain. I would never expect for these feelings to be gone after a month, so it’s not unexpected.
What is getting to me lately is that there ARE days that I am feeling very good. I feel happy, I feel like I’m doing the right things, I feel like a good wife. But then my psyche comes in and says, “You don’t deserve to feel that way. You deserve to suffer.” And I cannot, for the life of me, silence that voice. Do I deserve to suffer? Can I really put the past behind me and move forward, unencumbered, or do I need to stay chained to the past?
My husband seems to have done just that. He tells me to move forward. He tells me this “blip” will eventually be a small part of our long, happy marriage. Exasperated with my sadness, he has said, “You need to move past it, or we won’t survive this”. I want to survive this. I will try. I will push forward.